Nerd in Another City

Let me start by saying that I am joyously, happily single. And glad to be so. So just know, right off the bat, that Public Displays of Affection DO NOT illicit feelings of jealousy, envy or longing in me. But rather the intense feeling of my just eaten meal resurfacing in my throat. Seriously, I’m gonna start bringing a paper bag with me on the train. I could be losing weight like a champ!

Tonight on the J train home from the city, I had the misfortune to sit down across from a young 20-something couple. Her legs draped over and through his. Her head tucked into his shoulder. Hands intertwined. They looked like a damn pretzel. I could barely tell where he ended and she began. And as if that wasn’t enough, they proceeded to nuzzle noses. Let me say that again… nuzzle noses. (insert gagging noises here)

I got up in my very best and polite, I’m-looking-for-the-subway-map and not-trying-to-run-away-from-you-creeps kind of way.

Only to sit down across from another 20-something couple doing almost the same thing, but on a slightly less nauseating level. (She only had one leg draped through his. And they weren’t nuzzling noses. How modest of them!)

In situations like this one all I want to do is yell, “THIS IS NOT YOUR BEDROOM, ‘FRIEND.’ Nor is it a romantic comedy.” Because to be honest unless you are Matthew McConaughey, James Marsden or Patrick Dempsey and (insert America’s current sweetheart here) I don’t wanna see it!

So… To all the 20-something couples out there. LOCK IT UP! At least on the subway. For stomachs the world over.