Bachelorette Madness: Round 1

READ WITH CAUTION!!!

Here we have a 2 for 1 special. 2 winning representations of the human male specimen in 1 fabulous night of bachelorette party fun.

Being the single girl in the group usually leads to shennanigans like this:

It all started with dare cards and the Joshua Tree in midtown. The bride was given a deck of dare cards to bestow to each of us throughout the night. And being the faithful entourage, we were enlisted to comply.

I was given the card that said “Kiss the cutest guy at the bar (chosen by your friends)” Of course I get this card!! It’s my lot in life to be the girl who makes out with the stranger at the bachelorette party. But if we’re being completely honest… I’m pretty much always game for a bit of a make out with a complete stranger, especially for pure entertainment value.

I agree to let this occur seeing as how my motto is “What the bride wants, the bride gets.” (within reason)

So we all proceed to scan for someone good looking and game for a laugh. Enter TDH. Tall, dark, and handsome. I point him out, the girls approve, so I approach. Basically I say “I’m with this bachelorette party, we have to do crazy dares and here’s mine.” And I show him and his buddy the card. His buddy backed away with his hands in the air in total fear of this card. (How attractive and manly of him.) But not TDH. He grabs, dips and kisses me in front of the bridal entourage. Mission accomplished!

Except after this I expected to just walk away. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am…sir. But no. TDH had to be a stage 5 clinger. King of the Klingons. Really? You couldn’t just accept a little fun and move on? He needed my number. Wanted to go back to my place. Asked where I lived. And why I didn’t live closer. Kept giving me these little peck kisses, like we were married or something. Pulled me over to dance a few times. Wouldn’t leave it alone. I didn’t really kiss this guy for an intimate, relationship connection. It’s a game. And a bar going man like this should know how to play! End of story!!!

 

Enter SDA (short, douchey, a-hole) This guy was really cute. Came up to our table and started dancing (non-creepily) with all of us. The life of the party. And he kinda looked like Hodgins from the TV show Bones. All in all cute. I hadn’t said 2 words to the kid when he and his buddy walk up to me with this gem:

– SDA: “So.. we going back to your place?” (pointing to his buddy, to himself and to me)

– Me: “No….?”

– SDA: “Come on, you can have us both!”

– Me: “Neither of you could handle me so again I’m gonna go with NO!”

-SDA: (sensored for grandmas and moms the world over) “Come on, I’ll F*&@ your brains out.”

-Me: ………………………………………..

Baffled. Shocked. Appalled. And wondering if that has ever actually worked. Now I’m not at these places to meet Mr. Right or anything and thank God I’m not. Because he clearly never goes to bars. Or clubs. Or to karaoke on Tuesday night. I’ve yet to encounter a man that doesn’t completely rip apart my hopes and dreams about what a man should be. But the search continues!

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