The “Married” Guy

[Disclaimer: this is not a story for grandmas, moms, dads, brothers or the faint of heart. Shocking language is involved.]

Went out with wingman… wingwoman… wingperson extraordinaire, Grace Kelle the other night.

While shopping for a few good men (for me.) We stumbled upon a group of 4 guys. Two of them were brothers and the other two they had known since the first grade, or something.

They were nice and we started chatting with them. About what we do, what they do, etc. Upon hearing that we were wedding planners one of the guys, we’ll call him Allen, told us that he’d recently gotten married and that his wedding planner was not so great.

To which we responded ‘what a shame’ ‘too bad you didn’t know us’ etc.

About 20 mins later this same ‘married’ guy comes over and sits next to me. And proceeds to hit on me… hard.
I was appalled thinking the schlep was married. Come to find out he made it up to start up conversation with us.

This is apparently a way to meet women in his mind. I say ‘in his mind’ because I want to assure all you men out there that this is, in fact, NOT a proper way to strike up a conversation with a lady.

The entire rest of the night as he tried to hit on me and reassure me that he was free, I still considered him married.

Here’s when it got really good. He offered to take me home so we could have sex. To which I answered that I wasn’t that kinda girl. He asked if I’d ever done it. I was honest… ‘nope.’
His eyes got really big. Like Indiana Jones when he finds that gold monkey head thing. The treasure he’d been seeking.
And then he drops this one on me…
‘The things I could do to your vagina.’

At this point my brain flat lines because I’ve just heard the word vagina whispered into my ear at 11pm on a friday night in the middle of a crowded bar. And ps… the word vagina is not sexy when spoken aloud much less so when whispered in my ear by a douchey stranger.

And so the search for an upstanding citizen of the male persuasion continues. Yet my faith in the gender continues to dwindle. What is a nerd in this city supposed to do?

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