Nerd in Another City

Do you ever have those moments? They often happen around bedtime for me. You know…when little revelations about your life seem so attainable?

You think maybe you’ve figured it all out. And you can finally say the things you’ve bottled up and you can face those demons head on without fear.
When I’m about to go to bed is when I feel the most motivated. Motivated to run the next morning. Motivated to start that new project. Or write that new novel. Or create a manageable budget that will fix my monetary foibles. Or solve those relationship issues. You get the idea!
And then I wake up and it’s like a lazier version of me has body snatched that productive, healthy person. And I’m left with the one who wants a frozen York Peppermint Patty for breakfast (can’t blame her for that) and chooses to watch 2 episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt instead of going on that run (what’s wrong with that? That show’s awesome!)
What goes on when the dreams come? Do I have to stay up all night so that productive girl doesn’t run away?

But wait! Sometimes…a miracle happens. Usually when I haven’t eaten 3 cookies before bed and I haven’t stayed up till midnight watching episodes of Star Wars: Clone Wars.

A miracle where that productive girl laces up her sneaks, picks her ass up out of that bed and she runs. She runs to feel healthy and to know she is powerful. She runs to finish the projects she’s started cause there is another one brewing in her mind. She makes a to-do list and checks every single thing off of it. She is successful. She has her shit together.
I wish that girl was always me instead of only sometimes me. I love the whole package, but sometimes those girls get into a fist fight. And it ain’t pretty.
The productive one doesn’t always win, but then again, neither does the lazy one. They both lay dormant inside waiting for their days to come. The runner comes out when the lazy one has turned my body into something too soft for her liking. And the lazy one comes out when she feels that other girl has been working too hard and needs a margarita.

Maybe you don’t have a war going on inside of you. Maybe you are always productive or always lazy or always whatever it is that you are. And maybe I’m the only one having conversations between the 2 of us…the 3 of us. To be honest, I’ve lost count.

But I wouldn’t be me without those crazy girls. And I guess what I’m trying to say is that inside my head, no one always wins. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Signed,

A nerd in progress…