How to Train for the Zombie Apocalypse

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Yes, the worst has indeed happened and the evil undead are roaming our earth. Are you prepared to do what you must to survive? Chances are, most of you won’t make it to see next week. In a zombie apocalypse…like this one, there’s no time for sugar coating things.

I can tell you what it will take for you to survive, but ultimately it’s up to you to make it happen.

Let’s start with something simple, your diet. You’re probably used to a cushy diet of fast food, donuts and soda. Hey, you’re only human (at least, right now you are!) The truth is, the first week is pretty critical when it comes to perishable food items. So the rule of thumb for week one is “if you find it, eat it.” If, for example, you’ve found yourself in the vicinity of a Krispy Kreme donut, eat it! Chances are, it could be your last. But don’t overdo it. Eating poorly and too much will slow you down and that Krispy Kreme will be your last, but not because no one has time to make donuts anymore, get my drift?

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This first week of encountering zombies will be tough enough for you, without introducing a stringent training and eating schedule. My best advice in this turbulent time is to moderately enjoy yourself as much as you can and keep within a manageable caloric range for your height, weight and body type. Also keep in mind that you will be a lot more active this week and you may need some extra calories to keep your energy up. Calories from bad fats and sugars will make you feel sluggish and to be honest, that’s just what the zombies want!!

This week we’re gonna focus on cardio, so get moving (or the zombies will do it for you.) Hopefully you and your family made a plan before this apocalypse hit, an emergency strategy for what to do and where to meet. If you didn’t, well I hope you said your goodbyes before the apocalypse and enjoy my good advice while you can, this blog may be your last.

Ok…so you have some guidelines for getting your body moving and eating all the perishable items you can find, but not overdoing it. That’s a great place to start. Staying home in your locked house is going to seem like a great idea right now…it’s not. In all likelihood, at least one or more of your neighbors has been turned and soon they will be looking for delicious, juicy brains to eat. If you live, isolated, in the country, you may be able to last a little longer. The suburbs…not quite as long and if you live in the city…GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!!!

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It’s good, at this early stage in the apocalypse, to identify your weapons. Get comfortable with your baseball bats, your katana swords, your crossbows, your bowie knive. Guns are fine, but keep in mind that bullets will become scarce and hitting the brain with 1 or 2 shots is actually much harder than movies and TV shows portray. Make it easier on yourself and get comfortable with hand to hand combat using whatever is around you. But more on that later.

It’s crucial right now to get moving, like I mentioned before. Walking, running, practicing sprints…these are your focus. If you have a car, great. Stockpile as much fuel as you can and keep moving. But you’re still gonna want to get good at evading surprises and learning some simple parkour moves wouldn’t be the worst thing you could do. But there will be lots more parkour in weeks 3 and 4. Right now…RUN! It’s the best way to stay physically fit and alert for what’s to come.

In this early stage of the apocalypse, the virus is pretty contained to large cities. This is the chance you need or rather, the chance you have to start getting prepared for the worst. Food isn’t scarce yet. That’s a good thing. You’re gonna want to start walking/ running twice a day for 30 mins each. If you can go longer, do it. The longer you keep that heart beating, the better off you’ll be. Challenge yourself, but don’t push yourself too far past your current limits.

This is the only chance you’ll get to take your time and get the lay of the land. These are called recon missions. Did you have a gym membership before the apocalypse hit? Money wasted. The world is now your gym and it is going to push you harder than any physical trainer ever did.

My final advice for your first week of training is to drink the cold beer, white wine, chilled juice, smoothies, etc. now because refrigerators will soon be as dead as the undead. Those finer enjoyments will be a thing of the past. But remember this…it’s wildly important…drunkenness will get you killed. So do not get sloppy!

This is a week of learning your limits, testing your strengths and being thankful for the little things. But don’t forget to watch your back. Once the virus hits the nearest metropolitan area, it will change your life and being thankful will be as hard to come by as that Krispy Kreme donut!

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Stay alive!

3 thoughts on “How to Train for the Zombie Apocalypse

  1. This was such a fun read! The advice I would add is to grab a car and stock up on as much gas as you possibly can so you can just drive far out into the country – though traffic might be tough if you’re in the city, yikes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, yes. I did add a small section about gas and a car. But I worry about people depending on vehicles in this turbulent time. It’s much harder to evade a hoard if you’re on the road, especially for those in bigger cities. So I want to try and steer people away from relying on modern technology. It’s about to get stone aged really quick! 😉

      Like

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