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You know what’s hard to do? Write a book about boys and dating when you currently have no interest in boys or dating. I know, I know…I wrote an entire 40 episode web series on boys and dating. So…there’s that.

And I can’t really describe to you what’s changed. The fundamental paradigm shift that’s happened in my brain and body that led me from wanting love and marriage to wanting nothing to do with them. We’re definitely in uncharted territory over here.

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It’s a particularly difficult realization to come to. Finding out that a book consisting of all my funniest stories revolve around the men that I’m not with. The guys that I’ve kissed. The boys that I do not miss. Every time I sit down to write, I think to myself “Is my life all about boys? Is the sum of my life’s work, the roster of  dudes that I’ve been involved with one way or another?????” When I think about it, I make this face…

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And then this mentally happens….

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And before you know it I’m on a full-on shame spiral where I am left examining all past mistakes through a very judgmental microscope. It’s not pretty. No one wants to be around that level of Debbie Down. I don’t even want to be around me sometimes.

Here’s what I know…I left New York for a reason. It wasn’t where I needed to be anymore. And I’m the kind of person that has no problem changing my circumstance. When things go bad or are no longer healthy for me, I change them. I move or get a new job or join a gym or stop drinking soda. It’s often as simple as that. I moved because I wanted to be able to find someone and fall in love…that was the reason. That’s what I said in the last episode of my web series. Remember…

That was not the truth. I think I thought it was the truth at the time. Is truth a relative thing? It was true then, but it’s not true anymore. Does that make it a lie? Was I lying to myself when I said I just wanted to fall in love? Cause right now…I know that I don’t. It’s the last thing I want for my life. This messy existence I’m currently living, love would only make it messier, if that’s even possible. And I have plenty of tangible, understandable love from my family and my friends. But romantic love? No thanks.

No wonder I have writer’s block, since what I’ve given myself to write about are stories about something I no longer want. I still want to share my experiences with you, world. I want you to benefit from my experiences. To learn from my mistakes. To understand me better by understanding where I’ve been. But I’m having a hell of a time doing it. I’ll be lucky if I have any hair left for my picture in the book jacket…

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In the meantime, while I figure it all out, I’m going to attempt to return to the blog I love. The blog I have neglected lately. The blog I started long ago and often take for granted. This is my brain on blog so, read at your discretion. And if you choose to, thanks for coming along for the ride!!

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5 Fandom Friday

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5 Geeks Who Inspire Me

Before this week, I’ve been away from the Blogosphere for a little while. And I have to share that I haven’t been the same without my blog or without you, my darling, nerdy readers. It’s a part of me. An extension of my brain and of my personality. And I think I’d forgotten that! I must have, because I thought it’d be a good idea to take a break from writing. When in fact, writing is exactly what I’ve always needed to help me figure out the cobwebs of my mind.

Whether it’s introspective blogs like I’ve been writing this past week, or blog topics that we write together as a community like today…I’ve remembered why I started blogging in the first place. And while I don’t promise never to take another break (cause sometimes we need such things) I do, however, promise not to neglect my little blog. She who has been there in so many dark moments. She whom I found over 4 years ago, but I suspect it’s she who found me!

This week’s 5 Fandom Friday topic is about Geeks who inspire me. Cutting this down to just 5 people is tough. There are so many amazing nerdy folks out there living the dream. But here are the ones who really speak to and inspire me!

#1: Felicia Day

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She has offered nerd girl’s everywhere the inspiration to step out and shout “I’m a nerdy girl and proud of it.” She was a potential slayer in season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and also starred opposite Nathan Fillion and Neil Patrick Harris in Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog which she helped write with Joss Whedon. She’s also the writer and star of her own extremely popular web series, The Guild. Founder of the nerd mecca that is Geek and Sundry and now author of her own autobiography (which I just bought last night and started reading), “You’re Never Weird on the Internet (almost).” Felicia Day has been where we nerd girls have all been and she’s made it to a place we sometimes wish we could reach. Acceptance. Acceptance of who she is, of the power she wields and of the world she lives in.

#2: Zachary Levi

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If you’ve been reading my blog or following me on any social media platform, then this one is a no brainer! He’s the founder of The Nerd Machine and of Nerd HQ. He’s the star of Chuck and the voice of Flynn Ryder. He’s an ambassador for Operation Smile and a genuinely kind man. He’s Zachary Levi and I am constantly inspired by him. Doesn’t hurt that he’s 6’3″ and loves Jesus! He has often been called the King of the Nerds. He leads the charge and finds a way to give back every chance he gets.

#3: Wil Wheaton
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 It was the early 90’s and one of my favorite shows to watch with my mom and dad was Star Trek: The Next Generation. And since I was between the age of 5 and 12 when TNG was on the air, I was the perfect age to fall head first in love with the dashing, young Wesley Crusher. He was just a kid and he was serving on the USS Starship Enterprise. Be still my preteen heart! Later I would come to admire Wil for his work in Felicia Day’s web series, The Guild and as himself on The Big Bang Theory and just for the all around nerdy dude he is. He can also be seen as the host of Geek and Sundry’s Table Top. Wesley Crusher was not a favorite among TNG watchers, but Wil didn’t let that stop him from becoming the nerdy icon that he is today!

#4 – John Boyega

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No, he didn’t make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, but now he knows someone who did. John Boyega is one of the lucky stars who will be in a little film called, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (maybe you’ve heard of it.) As a bonafide fanboy himself, one imagines that when the call came in that he’d gotten a part in the biggest movie of our time that he ‘Squee’d’ the ‘Squee’ of a thousand nerds, especially since he’s a Star Wars nerd himself. We don’t know much about his character other that his name is Finn and he now has a chance to wield Luke/ Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber and we don’t know why. (Dear Lord, let December come swiftly!!!) It is a joy to watch him at conventions and press junkets, because he is truly one of us. A nerd to the core…inside and out. And we are proud to have him represent his people in the Star Wars Universe!

#5: Veronica Roth

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Another nerd to the core. I started out liking Veronica Roth as the author of the Divergent series. It’s a great set of books with a compelling story and I like to support the people that create things I like. And then I saw her at Book Con last year and at Geeky Con this year and that’s when I realized that she is one of us. Truly, madly, deeply one of us. Dressed in her Draco Malfoy cosplay and talking about which house she’d be sorted to if she ever went to Hogwarts. Veronica Roth is a bonafide nerd and we nerds gotta stick together!!

Honorable Mention: My Little Brother

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I love all the nerds I mentioned above, but this nerd is the nerd who made me into a nerd! If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers or Batman: the Animated Series. I would probably still be a Star Wars fangirl (that one was written in the stars) but I might not have the deep understanding of the SW Universe that I have from knowing this guy. My younger (not littler) brother, Jeremy. He is the coolest nerd I know. He taught me how to nerd. And if you are looking for someone to share a road trip with…he is your guy. Plus he comes complete with Star Wars sleeping bag and audio books. He’s a nerdy boy scout, which means he’s always prepared to nerd!

Which nerds/ geeks/ dorks inspire you??

What I Feel vs. What I Know

I’ve been reading Jamie Tworkowski’s, founder of To Write Love on Her Arms, book called If You Feel Too Much. And I’ve been taking my time with it. Every page I read, I feel like I need to savor it because there are gorgeous profound truths in the pages of this book. Things that Jamie went through that speak to my heart, especially as I go through this transition. And so it’s taking me months to read a book that would normally take days. But I don’t want to rush the words.
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And in one of the chapters Jamie pits What He Feels against What He Knows. So the title of this blog post is pilfered from his book. Borrowed, really. So, thank you Jamie! Thank you for your words. For the difficult things you experienced so God would give you the words that you are now giving to me.

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Here’s What I Feel versus What I Know at any given moment in any given day…

I feel sad. I know that it’s temporary.

I feel happy. I know that’s temporary too.

I feel like I’m bad at everything. I know that I’m not.

I feel like I don’t have a whole lot to offer this world. I know that I do.

I feel fat. I know that I’m not and that there are people who actually struggle with obesity or eating disorders and I am not one of those people. So I know that my insecurities stem from a place that is not worth validating.

I feel like I’m not enough. I know that I am just enough or else there would be a whole lot more of me to go around and there isn’t. So I must be enough.

I feel like I’ll never fall in love. Or worse…no one will ever be able to fall in love with me. I know that I am the only thing standing in the way of that happening.

I feel like God made a mistake when he mixed the ingredients that make up my brain and the very essence of who I am. I know that He didn’t, because God doesn’t make mistakes and for some beautiful, unknown reason He chose to make me.

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What we feel and what we know are constantly at war. We are not meant to move with the emotions that come and go. Ebbing and flowing like the tides on the shore. They are as inconstant as the wind. And in Florida, the only thing you can count on is that the wind is there, but never which way it will be blowing,

We are meant to move with the knowledge and discernment that only Christ can offer. Even when we don’t feel Him there…He is. Even when we don’t feel strong…we are. Even if we think we can’t carry on…we will.

If we allow what we feel to dictate our actions we will always be ruled by the flaky, unpredictable self. And God asks…no He demands more from us.

So I feel like I don’t know what’s coming next. But I know that if I’m listening, I won’t need to.
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Nerd in the City Book Club

The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet
By Bernie Su and Kate Rorick

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If you haven’t had a chance to watch The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, then walk away for about 2 hrs, go watch it, then come back. And once you’ve come to your senses and done that, then you can pick up The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet. Not only for a wonderful story, but also for a continuation of the beloved web series adaptation of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Basically a book inspired the series which then inspired the book. Coolest thing ever!

Secret Diary fills in so many of the lovely gaps left by the web series because it comes directly from Lizzie Bennet’s perspective. Not only do you get to hear more about the most awkward dance ever, but you also get to read Darcy’s letter to Lizzie as well as transcripts from vital Darcy centric episodes.

What Ashley Clements brought to the role of Lizzie is captured in the tone of this book. At times it felt like I was watching another webisode. And that made it even more enjoyable!

So basically what I’m trying to say is that this book is delightful and I can’t wait to read Lydia’s forthcoming perspective novel. And see what else Pemberley Digital will come up with in the future.

If you bust through The LBD and this book then I suggest you start on Emma Approved and Frankenstein MD. Once you’re caught up with those, meet back here for more suggestions.

As usual, let me know what you think. Cause I wanna hear all about it! In the meantime, happy reading.

Star Wars EU Review

The Old Republic: Revan by Drew Karpyshyn

Revan has quickly become one of my favorite books, not only in the Star Wars Expanded Universe, but among mainstream fiction as well.

This Jedi turned Sith Lord, turned Jedi again plays a pivotal role in The Old Republic as well as the broader Star Wars Universe itself. In fact, Darth Bane (a series also penned by Karpyshyn) later discovers Revan’s holocron which spawns the reinstitution of the Rule of Two among the Sith.

Perhaps it is author, Drew Karpyshyn’s history as a game developer that gives his writing another dimension. At times it feels like you’ve entered the gaming world instead of merely picked up a good book. His imagery is strong and his characters are visceral. In fact, a lot of Revan’s story plays out in the Bioware game Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.

After fighting in the Mandalorian Wars, Revan and his friend Malak get caught up in a series of mysterious trails taking them far beyond the Outer Rim to the ‘Unknown Regions,’ where they discover the Sith waiting patiently for a chance to strike back at the Jedi Order. Malak and Revan are confronted by the evil Sith Emperor, and are turned to the dark side through his powerful influence.

Able to finally break away from the Emperor’s control, Revan and Malak begin to “establish their own Empire. Resulting in the Jedi Civil War. Revan is betrayed by Malak and is captured by a young Jedi Knight named Bastila Shan.” (Wookiepedia) Eventually Revan’s memory is wiped and he returns to the Jedi fold and marries Shan.

Karpyshyn’s novel begins after these events, once his memory has been wiped and he has been married to Bastila.

If there is a story that I would love to see played out on either the big or small screen, it is Revan’s story! A definite must read if you are at all interested in (obsessed with) the Star Wars Universe.

30 Days of Nerdy Hair

Day 3: Cindy Loo Who from Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas

So I was a little ambitious when I chose Cindy Loo Who for day 3 of this series.

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In all honesty my first run through of this style involved a red Solo cup and an awful lot of hairspray. But at the end of the day I do have to go to work and be seen in public. And roommates agreed that with the cup in there it looked more Bride of Frankenstein than innocent little Who girl.

So I made up my own Cindy Loo Who inspired do. Kind of a combination of the 2000 movie Grinch and the 1966 cartoon version.

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Here’s what came of it.

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Sure, it’s not an exact replica. I strive to make them as close as possible each day. But it does keep the spirit of this series if not the exact mission. And hey, it’s the first time a hairstyle ever got the better of me! I call that success.

Spaghetti Brain

There is a book called “Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrel. It’s basically a look at the different ways men and women think. And the second I heard the theory, my brain made a little more sense.
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Here’s the gist: Men are like waffles because they are better able to compartmentalize. They have little waffle squares which they pour syrupey information into. And each square can contain a different subject. Making it much easier for men to think of one thing and one thing only at a time.

Women on the other hand are spaghetti brains. Meaning all of the noodles of information touch each other. So while thinking of work, a woman can be thinking of the errands she has to run and what she’ll have for dinner and a myriad of other topics.

Here’s an example of how lately my spaghetti brain has one thing on it’s noodle. Watch my thought process:

The other day I was feeling under the weather so I decided I needed some chicken noodle soup. Which made me think of that Campbell’s commercial where the snowman turns into the little boy. Which made me think of building a snowman. Which made me think of snow. Which made me think of a Tauntaun. Which made me think of Luke Skywalker. Which made me think about how excited I am for Star Wars VII.

See, men can just be thinking of soup. But me thinking of soup somehow leads directly to the new Star Wars movie. In fact I could probably play 6 degrees of Star Wars with just about any topic. Must be all that spaghetti in my brain.

You Gotta Read This…

John Scalzi’s ‘Old Man’s War’ series

At Comic Con this past October, as I passed the TOR publishing booth, I happened to stop by to see if there was any Ender’s Game swag. (I love to show my support to my faves, and I l-l-love Ender’s Game.)

I asked at the booth and the lady working at that particular moment quickly suggested to me John Scalzi’s ‘Old Man’s War.’

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She told me that if I loved Ender’s Game that I’d love this. And she was right.

In a dystopian future, you sign up to join the war being fought on far away worlds. But it isn’t until you turn 75 years old that you actually get to join the fight. The idea being that young men, while lithe of body and full of energy, are foolish and headstrong. On the otherhand, our seniors may be broken of body, but are at their mental peak of wisdom and discernment.

It’s very much the opposite of Orson Scott Card’s ‘Ender’s Game,’ in which children are the ones relied upon to fight the good fight. Their innocence and quick-learning are what makes them an asset.

I’m now halfway through book 2 in the series, ‘The Ghost Brigades.’

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I am loving this series! The writing is solid and the story captivating. Plus, if that isn’t enticing enough, this little jem from book 2 should compel any self-respecting nerd to pick up this book.

-“After watching Star Wars everyone wanted a lightsaber and was irritated that the technology for them didn’t really exist. Everyone also agreed the Ewoks should all die.”
Plus Scalzi even takes a beat to pay homage to Ender’s Game, the series in which he clearly found inspiration.

If you enjoy Sci-Fi by any degree… pick up this series!